i am sulking....hurting from inside

A friend who read my last post called in the remind what exactly I am heading towards....getting transformed into being a ful fledged LOSER.

That does not make me feel good...

The fact of the matter is that unknowingly or knowingly I have become an attention seeker.

Guess its time to catch myself.... from falling flat. On hind sight that reminds me of the benefits of having big backside- natural shock absorbers!!!! :)

Have you ever wondered why does love make even the best of us act so foolishly???

I have feeling like one emotional fool of late. I have always wanted to marry Neil but I know that this dream that I am holding on to is like sand...gently flowing out of my hands. Yet the hope is there. I tell myself evertime my heart needs a false support system that-" when you really want something the entire universe conspires to make it come true."

These words seem like the last string that I hold on to..

Guess I am working for a miracle to happen....for my dream to come true.....

A figment of my imagination leaves me feeling anew.
A dream that I live but share with few..

A magnanimous white house with a red roof
Luscious green palms touched with the mountain dew...
The sound of the cascading waterfall
...will tingle the soul and make u feel...
The essence of a women personified is a moment to steal...

So walk into the earth’s paradise
Through a path less walked but heaven in disguise
.... where the desires of my heart are protected by me
A place of my dreams- my home to be....

Well talking about Neil, I must tell you that Neil and me would probably never get married....not that I like that but thats the evident reality.

Each day I tell myself that its time to end the crisis of me shifting between being a self acclaimed matyr and the practical woman all set to accept the reality . The endless hours of silent debates must come to an end. The idea of Hola is the intend to give surface to the million thoughts that work at the back of my mind...pulling me in all directions.

Nonetheless, if expression is the intend of this exercise-let me share something that I wrote for Neil....

A body that you can touch will perish one day.
Not that I wish it but it’s the ultimate truth.
So touch my soul instead.
Let me heave and fall like cascading water.
Let me float like clouds in ecstacy…
My soul shall live like water, fire and wind.
The contentment in my heart shall fill the moments that pass.
At least every moment will be real..and would not perish
…for souls live forever.
And love should not die- for a thing of beauty is a joy forever.

What do I say of the events of the day...I must stop doing this to myself. Here I am all claiming that I am in love...yet I am caught up in the gamut of expectations.

Now that I have rechristened myself Hola-I think my beloved needs a name too. How about Neil abit trendy but then in such times what do u expect.

Neil and me have known each other for a while now....we infact met years back in a forum. Infact let me tell youabout it......

As I walked down the corridor I wondered what I was doing there. The last year had not been too great. The feeling of being let down by the one I thought was made for me made me feel weak and unwanted. Despite being a university topper the kicker of being academically brilliant could not satisfy my need to be accepted. There was always this dire need to be with a friend, a confidante who would love me unconditionally. One of my friends had forced me to be a part of this forum. She believed that attending a Curriculum for living would pull me out of the dumps and I would start looking at life with a new perspective. Hours of persuasive cajoling and assurance brought me to this conference hall early on that Friday morning, the 15th of Jan,1999.

I was majoring in an Entomology degree from the Delhi University. I had always been a top performer excelling in dramatics, literary, dance and almost all extra-curricular activities. I walked with an air of dignity and confidence. As I treaded forward passing through the crowds, my mind was distant, thinking to myself what it would be like to be walking along a lonely river in search of the rainbow….would I ever be able to find the ultimate treasure of
being in sync with the beauty around me. I did not realise that there was a sudden step. I stumbled and a pair of strong arms caught me from falling. I looked up apologising .A set of clear deep eyes caught my eye. The first thought that crossed my mind was” Potential pest”. Was it my conditioning or just that way he looked at me but for some reason my heart missed a beat. A realisation fell upon me that I knew that look, I felt the strength in his grip, I knew that touch, but I dismissed the thought. I quickly thanked him and moved forward leaving behind to this young man my heart without knowing what jolted me.

Well that was Niel....my love till date!!!!

So eventually Hola is born.

My dear friend likes the attention he gets in the form of praise but yet loves to call himself "modest". I do seem to have got my clean slate to voice my thoughts and find a place in the hearts of many. Not that it matters but being true to the heart of a writer- I like this attention too.

More often than not I find myself shying away from voicing my thoughts...but i like this anonymous feel

So lets start from here......

Cheerio

As I said, I am not Hola. I am just someone who is trying to give Hola an emotional outlet for expressing herself without fear of being judged. Or maybe I am trying to know more about Hola ... whatever be the case, what is going to follow here is Hola's story.

She will remain anonymous so that she be candid and honest. Maybe ...